Movies come in pairs. A movie will come out, and then a very similar one will come out soon afterwards. Armageddon has Deep Impact, A Bug's Life has Antz, and now we have a new duo: Leatherheads has Semi Pro.
Now here me out. How is a Will Ferrell same old comedy about basketball and a George Clooney directed movie about Football the same? Besides the whole sports thing?
Many things. There's the whole shenanigans filled league of a popular sport just before it was revolutionized. There is the air of slapstick comedy in each. And each fell incredibly short of their expectations.
This movie does not get the benefit of the Theory of Will Ferrell Movie Repetition, it must stand and then fall on its own. It really shouldn't have. It had a solid equation to impress me: George Clooney, someone who I often enjoy and respect; John Krasinski, not a big office guy but I have enjoyed him in everything I have seen him in; and most importantly, this is a football movie, and I have a raging boner for football movies. I legit own most of them, and intend on owning almost all of them (screw you Facing the Giants, don't you use my favorite sport as a platform for converting heathens).
But this movie did have one glaring problem with it going in: Renee Zellweger. Note to Hollywood, she sucks and is not attractive in anyway. She was supposed to a 31 year old Hottie that seduced and got in between Cloon and Kras. Bullshit. She is homely. Maybe it is just me, but I don't find someone attractive who looks like she constantly is sucking on the most powerful lemon known to man. Maybe it is just personal taste.
So this is a throwback to the screwball comedies of the 40s and 50s. Clooney is a smooth talking head of the Duluth Bulldogs. It takes place in the Post WWI age when college football ruled, and the Pro's were a bunch of drunk criminals (Cincinnati Bengals).
John Krasinski plays the golden boy college star/war hero. He is famous all over the country, because he apparently made an entire battalion of Germans soldiers surrender (technically, which causes shit to happen later). Clooney gets him to come to Pro Football to have people start to come watch it. They together are a dynamic duo on the field, but compete off the field for Renee (gonna vom).
So Renee is there to screw over Kras, and does. It becomes a giant BS fest, and plenty of stuff happens. But it is allllllll boring. There was some funny parts, but all in all, this comedy was not funny. Most of the best parts was Clooney's charisma and chauvinism. He was really solid in this, as an actor and a director. And even though the WGA did not give him credit on the script, I think that is where he fell short. Not enough funny, too much boring.
So yeah, my review was about on par with the movie. My writing fell short, so did George's. I love sports movies, I especially love football movies, but I can't say I love this one. For football movies, I put this somewhere behind Radio and somewhere ahead of All the Right Moves. Will I buy it? There's a chance, you never know. Will I be proud of it? Prob not. I give this movie a MEH-UMBLE!!!
Date: 4.4.08
Cost: $8.00
Running Time: 114 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 55
Monday, April 7, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
#20 - Doomsday
As said previously, this one technically is number 20 on my chronological order, but I forgot that I saw it (shows how awesome it is).
It all comes to here... I am taking back what is mine. The moment I saw this trailer (and am generally the first person to see them) I dubbed this movie, as I often do. It was so on point it has since been used in numerous other people's reviews and conversations. Well, its mine. I was the first person to reveal this movie for what it truly is. I was the first person to dub it "Resident Evil: Return to Thunderdome 28 Days Later" Go on, try me. Watch the trailer...watch the movie if you dare. I am right.
So in a future where the Americans suck (the Brits are STILL bitter about the Revolutionary War), overpopulation has taken its tole on the UK, and a nasty virus attacks Glasgow. It does not zombify them, but turns them all pussy (puss filled, not the female part) kinda like Planet Terror from the HORRENDOUS Grindhouse.
Well, the Gov't builds a giant wall around Scotland, and leaves them there. No one knows how the British Gov't was able to build a 4 story, 500 mile wall without ANYONE seeing it, but those Brits are crafty. They lock it up, and everyone gets trapped inside (except for this little girl with one eyeball). And they leave the people to die.
Well, fast forward to history repeating itself. UK still has a chinese amount of people, and not enough room, so London gets the same virus. But lo and behold there are survivors in Glasgow, as the satellites tell us. So the Gov't sends their uber-badass chick agent in with a team to find the cure and get out. That chick happens to have only one eyeball (and a robotic camera eyeball), and was from the Hot Zone, where here home and mommy was.
So the team has all the technology, tanks, guns, computers, and scientists and soldiers of many ranks. They drive in, and drive over Baby Bell and get to Glasgow. And within 15 minutes of being their, they make the terrible horror movie mistake of throwing logic out of the window, and doing dumb shit. And it causes a massacre as the survivors attack.
Side Note: As most people play in horror movies, I played the how many will survive, what order, who dies first. This movie kicked my ass. As with most horror movies, I expected the one ethnic person, the badass black guy to eat it first. But he defied reason, he's legit one of the last 3 people alive. A real ball buster.
So the survivors... in Glasgow they are a bunch of Uber-Neo-Punks. They all have crazy hair, crazy tats, crazy piercing, and wealth an unhealthy amount of leather and black in a surprisingly un-emo way. And, turns out they are Cannibalistic-Uber-Neo-Punks, so they cook some of the team and eat them.
But being a badass heroine (female hero, not the intravenous drug), she escapes and meets up with non-CUNP survivors, who takes them to another camp: A MEDIEVAL CASTLE! Another group has retreated to the country side into a castle and has devolved to the Black Ages, headed by the scientist that was sent in to cure everyone (Showing that Malcolm McDowell will take ANY role).
There is Gladiator battling and choo-choo trains, skeleton cars and a badass Bentley, decapitation, bloody explosions of body that make me believe humans are giant water balloons. And no cure, sorry, no hope. The survivors were just immune (praying I am). The badass chick give the corrupt Gov't the cure, but decides to stay to......
Take control of the CUNPs, since she killed their creepy leader in a high speed chase involving an exploding bus. The movie ends there, with her being their new leader, and leads me to believe the Dbag that wrote this thinks he can muster the funding for a sequel: Doomsday 2: More Doomier. I think not sir.
The major debate in the movie, is not whether it is slamming current political ideas, and lambasting the lack of value of a human life in today's society. No, the real debate is thus: In a post-apocalyptic world, would you be a Cannibalistic-Uber-Neo-Punk or a Knight? Of course 90% of you run to the knight idea, since they're badass, but remember, this isn't King Arthur, its a bunch of Denny's workers in armor. Not as cool. You do get horses, and swords, but I imagine medieval beds were not comfortable. And people must have smelled, with all the horse funk and armor itch. But on the CUNPs, you get rock music, the ability to look like a giant douche and fit in, awesome skeleton cars, and you get to eat other people. Plus, you own the city, so you can raid the Serta dealer, or find a pimp sleep number bed. As you can tell, I'm leaning CUNP, but maybe I could convince them no nose rings.
So you read all of this. This post has a lot more energy and detail than many of my other posts, so it must be good. Nay sir or mam, nay. This movie did sucketh hardeth. It was absolutely retarded, made little sense, the violence was so bloody it turned out campy. It was a giant joke. I remember walking out being like "I can't wait to review this so I can rip it to shreds." But as you can see, I near forgot about it. This is a bad movie, as bad movies go. So I give this movie a ye olde new hardcore meh!
Date: 3.14.08
Cost: $5.00
Running Time: 105 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 92
It all comes to here... I am taking back what is mine. The moment I saw this trailer (and am generally the first person to see them) I dubbed this movie, as I often do. It was so on point it has since been used in numerous other people's reviews and conversations. Well, its mine. I was the first person to reveal this movie for what it truly is. I was the first person to dub it "Resident Evil: Return to Thunderdome 28 Days Later" Go on, try me. Watch the trailer...watch the movie if you dare. I am right.
So in a future where the Americans suck (the Brits are STILL bitter about the Revolutionary War), overpopulation has taken its tole on the UK, and a nasty virus attacks Glasgow. It does not zombify them, but turns them all pussy (puss filled, not the female part) kinda like Planet Terror from the HORRENDOUS Grindhouse.
Well, the Gov't builds a giant wall around Scotland, and leaves them there. No one knows how the British Gov't was able to build a 4 story, 500 mile wall without ANYONE seeing it, but those Brits are crafty. They lock it up, and everyone gets trapped inside (except for this little girl with one eyeball). And they leave the people to die.
Well, fast forward to history repeating itself. UK still has a chinese amount of people, and not enough room, so London gets the same virus. But lo and behold there are survivors in Glasgow, as the satellites tell us. So the Gov't sends their uber-badass chick agent in with a team to find the cure and get out. That chick happens to have only one eyeball (and a robotic camera eyeball), and was from the Hot Zone, where here home and mommy was.
So the team has all the technology, tanks, guns, computers, and scientists and soldiers of many ranks. They drive in, and drive over Baby Bell and get to Glasgow. And within 15 minutes of being their, they make the terrible horror movie mistake of throwing logic out of the window, and doing dumb shit. And it causes a massacre as the survivors attack.
Side Note: As most people play in horror movies, I played the how many will survive, what order, who dies first. This movie kicked my ass. As with most horror movies, I expected the one ethnic person, the badass black guy to eat it first. But he defied reason, he's legit one of the last 3 people alive. A real ball buster.
So the survivors... in Glasgow they are a bunch of Uber-Neo-Punks. They all have crazy hair, crazy tats, crazy piercing, and wealth an unhealthy amount of leather and black in a surprisingly un-emo way. And, turns out they are Cannibalistic-Uber-Neo-Punks, so they cook some of the team and eat them.
But being a badass heroine (female hero, not the intravenous drug), she escapes and meets up with non-CUNP survivors, who takes them to another camp: A MEDIEVAL CASTLE! Another group has retreated to the country side into a castle and has devolved to the Black Ages, headed by the scientist that was sent in to cure everyone (Showing that Malcolm McDowell will take ANY role).
There is Gladiator battling and choo-choo trains, skeleton cars and a badass Bentley, decapitation, bloody explosions of body that make me believe humans are giant water balloons. And no cure, sorry, no hope. The survivors were just immune (praying I am). The badass chick give the corrupt Gov't the cure, but decides to stay to......
Take control of the CUNPs, since she killed their creepy leader in a high speed chase involving an exploding bus. The movie ends there, with her being their new leader, and leads me to believe the Dbag that wrote this thinks he can muster the funding for a sequel: Doomsday 2: More Doomier. I think not sir.
The major debate in the movie, is not whether it is slamming current political ideas, and lambasting the lack of value of a human life in today's society. No, the real debate is thus: In a post-apocalyptic world, would you be a Cannibalistic-Uber-Neo-Punk or a Knight? Of course 90% of you run to the knight idea, since they're badass, but remember, this isn't King Arthur, its a bunch of Denny's workers in armor. Not as cool. You do get horses, and swords, but I imagine medieval beds were not comfortable. And people must have smelled, with all the horse funk and armor itch. But on the CUNPs, you get rock music, the ability to look like a giant douche and fit in, awesome skeleton cars, and you get to eat other people. Plus, you own the city, so you can raid the Serta dealer, or find a pimp sleep number bed. As you can tell, I'm leaning CUNP, but maybe I could convince them no nose rings.
So you read all of this. This post has a lot more energy and detail than many of my other posts, so it must be good. Nay sir or mam, nay. This movie did sucketh hardeth. It was absolutely retarded, made little sense, the violence was so bloody it turned out campy. It was a giant joke. I remember walking out being like "I can't wait to review this so I can rip it to shreds." But as you can see, I near forgot about it. This is a bad movie, as bad movies go. So I give this movie a ye olde new hardcore meh!
Date: 3.14.08
Cost: $5.00
Running Time: 105 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 92
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
#21 - 21
I know guys, I really messed up on this one. I should have waited one more movie to see this, so it could be #21 - 21, but I screwed up. I KNOW, LEAVE ME ALONE. simple mistake. Screw you, you watch this many movies and keep track. Shut your face.
(Correction: I messed up on messing up thus making me not originally mess up. I saw a movie in between Horton and this one that I forgot about. So I did make 21 #21. Oh the cleverness of me coupled with the convenient release by the Hollywood Studios.)
I had a pretty unique experience with this movie. Not only did I get to watch the movie, but I got to see it revealed as the fraud it is as a person who read the book sat beside me the whole time telling me how bullshit the story was. I enjoyed it, it enriched everything.
So this is the story of a nerd at MIT who needs money to get into Harvard Med coughbullshitcough. To get in, the handsome Caucasian coughbullshitcough nerd gets recruited to the school's black jack team cause he's brilliant and calm.
He is a natural, and he learns to count cards. He, along with his team of an Asian dude, a Hispanic chick, a random Caucasian douche, and a hot Blonde chick coughbullshittheywereallasiancough went to Vegas to win a bunch of money. They lived large, and won a bunch of money. Kevin Spacey was the dickhead professor that teaches them and later screws them over with a epic history of gambling in Vegas. Yeah, that guy.
This movie was a lot of fun at times. There are few things cooler than watching kids our age rage in Vegas (like I would have when I went had I had a shitton of money and not gone with my family). They go to strip clubs, booze, buy expensive stuff, ride in limos, stay in penthouses. It envious to watch, like watching Cribs.
So as I said, Kevin screws over nerd. Nerd fights back, gets the team on his side, and skullduggery happens. It all revolves around the Laurence Fishburne storyline where he is the security guy chasing Kevin coughbullshitthelasthalfofthemovieneverhappenedcough.
And while I said there were some fun parts, there was a lot of boring too. This movie was at least 20 minutes too long, and there were plenty of times where I wanted to scream HURRY UP at the screen. And I have to admit something, something about the sex scene that inevitably happens between nerd and blonde: it sucked. Like, I am just as much a fan of a sex scene as the next dude, but this one was SO forced and SO cheesy. Uh, we're gonna bang in front of the window overlooking the strip in the Karma Sutra romantic positions of love....and not show Kate Bosworth's boobs. SHENANIGANS.
So I finish with this question. Jeff Ma, the real life main character of the real life story, when he thought about who was going to play him, do you think he went with the very white, British guy from the Across the Universe movie who sang the Beatles the whole time? That's like Drew choosing Lori Beth Denberg to play him.....which might work ; ) I give this movie a winner, winner, meh dinner.
Date: 3.30.08
Cost: $6.50
Running Time: 123 minutes
Companions:André Roussimoff, Kevin Heffernan (PUT IT ON THE BOARD.....YES!)
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 51
(Correction: I messed up on messing up thus making me not originally mess up. I saw a movie in between Horton and this one that I forgot about. So I did make 21 #21. Oh the cleverness of me coupled with the convenient release by the Hollywood Studios.)
I had a pretty unique experience with this movie. Not only did I get to watch the movie, but I got to see it revealed as the fraud it is as a person who read the book sat beside me the whole time telling me how bullshit the story was. I enjoyed it, it enriched everything.
So this is the story of a nerd at MIT who needs money to get into Harvard Med coughbullshitcough. To get in, the handsome Caucasian coughbullshitcough nerd gets recruited to the school's black jack team cause he's brilliant and calm.
He is a natural, and he learns to count cards. He, along with his team of an Asian dude, a Hispanic chick, a random Caucasian douche, and a hot Blonde chick coughbullshittheywereallasiancough went to Vegas to win a bunch of money. They lived large, and won a bunch of money. Kevin Spacey was the dickhead professor that teaches them and later screws them over with a epic history of gambling in Vegas. Yeah, that guy.
This movie was a lot of fun at times. There are few things cooler than watching kids our age rage in Vegas (like I would have when I went had I had a shitton of money and not gone with my family). They go to strip clubs, booze, buy expensive stuff, ride in limos, stay in penthouses. It envious to watch, like watching Cribs.
So as I said, Kevin screws over nerd. Nerd fights back, gets the team on his side, and skullduggery happens. It all revolves around the Laurence Fishburne storyline where he is the security guy chasing Kevin coughbullshitthelasthalfofthemovieneverhappenedcough.
And while I said there were some fun parts, there was a lot of boring too. This movie was at least 20 minutes too long, and there were plenty of times where I wanted to scream HURRY UP at the screen. And I have to admit something, something about the sex scene that inevitably happens between nerd and blonde: it sucked. Like, I am just as much a fan of a sex scene as the next dude, but this one was SO forced and SO cheesy. Uh, we're gonna bang in front of the window overlooking the strip in the Karma Sutra romantic positions of love....and not show Kate Bosworth's boobs. SHENANIGANS.
So I finish with this question. Jeff Ma, the real life main character of the real life story, when he thought about who was going to play him, do you think he went with the very white, British guy from the Across the Universe movie who sang the Beatles the whole time? That's like Drew choosing Lori Beth Denberg to play him.....which might work ; ) I give this movie a winner, winner, meh dinner.
Date: 3.30.08
Cost: $6.50
Running Time: 123 minutes
Companions:André Roussimoff, Kevin Heffernan (PUT IT ON THE BOARD.....YES!)
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 51
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