#20 - Doomsday

As said previously, this one technically is number 20 on my chronological order, but I forgot that I saw it (shows how awesome it is).

It all comes to here... I am taking back what is mine. The moment I saw this trailer (and am generally the first person to see them) I dubbed this movie, as I often do. It was so on point it has since been used in numerous other people's reviews and conversations. Well, its mine. I was the first person to reveal this movie for what it truly is. I was the first person to dub it "Resident Evil: Return to Thunderdome 28 Days Later" Go on, try me. Watch the trailer...watch the movie if you dare. I am right.

So in a future where the Americans suck (the Brits are STILL bitter about the Revolutionary War), overpopulation has taken its tole on the UK, and a nasty virus attacks Glasgow. It does not zombify them, but turns them all pussy (puss filled, not the female part) kinda like Planet Terror from the HORRENDOUS Grindhouse.

Well, the Gov't builds a giant wall around Scotland, and leaves them there. No one knows how the British Gov't was able to build a 4 story, 500 mile wall without ANYONE seeing it, but those Brits are crafty. They lock it up, and everyone gets trapped inside (except for this little girl with one eyeball). And they leave the people to die.

Well, fast forward to history repeating itself. UK still has a chinese amount of people, and not enough room, so London gets the same virus. But lo and behold there are survivors in Glasgow, as the satellites tell us. So the Gov't sends their uber-badass chick agent in with a team to find the cure and get out. That chick happens to have only one eyeball (and a robotic camera eyeball), and was from the Hot Zone, where here home and mommy was.

So the team has all the technology, tanks, guns, computers, and scientists and soldiers of many ranks. They drive in, and drive over Baby Bell and get to Glasgow. And within 15 minutes of being their, they make the terrible horror movie mistake of throwing logic out of the window, and doing dumb shit. And it causes a massacre as the survivors attack.

Side Note: As most people play in horror movies, I played the how many will survive, what order, who dies first. This movie kicked my ass. As with most horror movies, I expected the one ethnic person, the badass black guy to eat it first. But he defied reason, he's legit one of the last 3 people alive. A real ball buster.

So the survivors... in Glasgow they are a bunch of Uber-Neo-Punks. They all have crazy hair, crazy tats, crazy piercing, and wealth an unhealthy amount of leather and black in a surprisingly un-emo way. And, turns out they are Cannibalistic-Uber-Neo-Punks, so they cook some of the team and eat them.

But being a badass heroine (female hero, not the intravenous drug), she escapes and meets up with non-CUNP survivors, who takes them to another camp: A MEDIEVAL CASTLE! Another group has retreated to the country side into a castle and has devolved to the Black Ages, headed by the scientist that was sent in to cure everyone (Showing that Malcolm McDowell will take ANY role).

There is Gladiator battling and choo-choo trains, skeleton cars and a badass Bentley, decapitation, bloody explosions of body that make me believe humans are giant water balloons. And no cure, sorry, no hope. The survivors were just immune (praying I am). The badass chick give the corrupt Gov't the cure, but decides to stay to......

Take control of the CUNPs, since she killed their creepy leader in a high speed chase involving an exploding bus. The movie ends there, with her being their new leader, and leads me to believe the Dbag that wrote this thinks he can muster the funding for a sequel: Doomsday 2: More Doomier. I think not sir.

The major debate in the movie, is not whether it is slamming current political ideas, and lambasting the lack of value of a human life in today's society. No, the real debate is thus: In a post-apocalyptic world, would you be a Cannibalistic-Uber-Neo-Punk or a Knight? Of course 90% of you run to the knight idea, since they're badass, but remember, this isn't King Arthur, its a bunch of Denny's workers in armor. Not as cool. You do get horses, and swords, but I imagine medieval beds were not comfortable. And people must have smelled, with all the horse funk and armor itch. But on the CUNPs, you get rock music, the ability to look like a giant douche and fit in, awesome skeleton cars, and you get to eat other people. Plus, you own the city, so you can raid the Serta dealer, or find a pimp sleep number bed. As you can tell, I'm leaning CUNP, but maybe I could convince them no nose rings.

So you read all of this. This post has a lot more energy and detail than many of my other posts, so it must be good. Nay sir or mam, nay. This movie did sucketh hardeth. It was absolutely retarded, made little sense, the violence was so bloody it turned out campy. It was a giant joke. I remember walking out being like "I can't wait to review this so I can rip it to shreds." But as you can see, I near forgot about it. This is a bad movie, as bad movies go. So I give this movie a ye olde new hardcore meh!

Date: 3.14.08
Cost: $5.00
Running Time: 105 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 92