Tuesday, June 17, 2008
#25 - 88 Minutes
This movie has really brought a pet peeve of mine to the forefront of my mind: I hate when a movie promises a gimmick and fails to deliver. You would think a movie where they talk about someone having 88 minutes to live, they would show the entire 88 minutes. But no, this movie should have been named 75 minutes, cause the killer jumped the gun. I had a timer going the whole time, and it took them about 15 minutes to cut off about 8 minutes of time. "Dear Dr, it has been 25 minutes since we first talked even though in real time it has only been about 16 and a half minutes. Sucks to be you, and the people dumb enough to pay for this movie."
Al Pacino plays a damaged (aren't we all) forensic psychologist who puts criminals away on his testimony. He just put away Neil McDonough (Buck Compton from the greatest thing on film aka Band of Brothers). Neil liked to hang naked girls upside down and cut them, and I'm sure pleasure himself some where in the process (sounds a lot like Vincent D'onfrio from the Cell). Well, soon after he's put away, Al gets a menacing call saying he's gonna die. Well, shenanigans happen and we get to try to figure out who it is. You have your generic murder mystery characters who are enough assholes to distract you from the innocent looking one who in the end is the bad guy (hint, hint). And then there is the GLARING hint that they give you when Al is talking with his secretary and doing the Bond-Money Penny "why haven't we banged yet?" and in this case she was "HEY EVERYONE! I AM A LESBIAN! REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER! BIG HINT!"
Sigh, well, it just goes from there. Regular suspenseful action movie. Character development, people die, showdown with killer, asshole cop who suspects the main character saves the day, Neil gets his plans shot to shit. I give this movie -13 mehs, for each minute I should have been able to see.
Date: 4.18.08
Cost: $8.00
Running Time: 108 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 87
Al Pacino plays a damaged (aren't we all) forensic psychologist who puts criminals away on his testimony. He just put away Neil McDonough (Buck Compton from the greatest thing on film aka Band of Brothers). Neil liked to hang naked girls upside down and cut them, and I'm sure pleasure himself some where in the process (sounds a lot like Vincent D'onfrio from the Cell). Well, soon after he's put away, Al gets a menacing call saying he's gonna die. Well, shenanigans happen and we get to try to figure out who it is. You have your generic murder mystery characters who are enough assholes to distract you from the innocent looking one who in the end is the bad guy (hint, hint). And then there is the GLARING hint that they give you when Al is talking with his secretary and doing the Bond-Money Penny "why haven't we banged yet?" and in this case she was "HEY EVERYONE! I AM A LESBIAN! REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER! BIG HINT!"
Sigh, well, it just goes from there. Regular suspenseful action movie. Character development, people die, showdown with killer, asshole cop who suspects the main character saves the day, Neil gets his plans shot to shit. I give this movie -13 mehs, for each minute I should have been able to see.
Date: 4.18.08
Cost: $8.00
Running Time: 108 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 87
#24 - Drillbit Taylor
I remember walking out of this movie and was able to review this movie with 2 words: Fantastically Unspectacular.
It was legitimately just there. There wasn't anything really funny, or unfunny, anything excited. It was just an hour and a half of my life. It was the equivalent of watching an episode and a half of NYPD Blue reruns: you had something to do for a time, but you didn't enjoy it.
In a nutshell, Owen Wilson is a hobo who becomes a substitute teacher to protect a bunch of freshman from bullies. He's doing this all the while his hobo buddies figure out how to rob them. Then your general equation, Owen falls for kids and another teacher, hobo buddies don't care and rob kids anyways cause they need some Mad Dog 20/20, and then Owen saves the day. And beats the holy hell out of a kid in the movie. I wanna say there was one funny line or thing in this movie, but i don't remember what it.
I give this movie a meh-stake.
Date: 4.8.08
Cost: $5.25
Running Time: 109 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 94
It was legitimately just there. There wasn't anything really funny, or unfunny, anything excited. It was just an hour and a half of my life. It was the equivalent of watching an episode and a half of NYPD Blue reruns: you had something to do for a time, but you didn't enjoy it.
In a nutshell, Owen Wilson is a hobo who becomes a substitute teacher to protect a bunch of freshman from bullies. He's doing this all the while his hobo buddies figure out how to rob them. Then your general equation, Owen falls for kids and another teacher, hobo buddies don't care and rob kids anyways cause they need some Mad Dog 20/20, and then Owen saves the day. And beats the holy hell out of a kid in the movie. I wanna say there was one funny line or thing in this movie, but i don't remember what it.
I give this movie a meh-stake.
Date: 4.8.08
Cost: $5.25
Running Time: 109 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 94
#23 - Nim's Island
I will be honest here. I have a large man crush on Gerard Butler. I wanna be his drinking buddy, or his little brother, or even the doorman in his building. I feel as though my awesomeness would go up exponentially if I were in his presence. And I have forgiven Gerry for being in some bad movies, like Lara Croft 2, Shattered, and PS I Love You (although I know that movie gets him laid whenever he wants, so I'll allow it). But I have to say I am becoming bewildered with some of these choices. I need a victory. Last one was 300, and while I was only a little over a year ago, its been a long year.
A long year that contained the horrible movie Nim's Island. I should have loved this movie. We know it has Gerry, but it's also a kid's film, which I enjoy more than any other 23 year old semi-drunk with a foul mouth.
Nothing could save this movie, not even Gerard.
Gerard is some scientist that lives on some random island in the Pacific with his daughter. He's looking for some protozoa that's special, but I probably got a D in Bio, so I neither know nor care. The live on this island that resembles the CDW island guy commercials with a bunch of hilarious human like animals, all of Nim's friends. She reads, cause time warner has got coverage in their area yet. And she loves Alex Rover, some jack of all trades hero that is like a cooler and douchier Indiana Jones (cooler cause Gerard plays the character, douchier cause the character is written far more goofy (I don't know how that's possible but it is) and stupid (ditto).
So when her dad crashes while finding the protozoa, Abigail Breslin emails the real Alex Rover, a agoraphobic Jodi Foster. After a series of terrible adventures, Jodi makes it to the island, but Nim has pretty much taken care of all the drama. EXCEPT the point where Jodi is randomly drowning, and basically dramatically holds her hand out for Nim, and then lets the 10 YEAR OLD GIRL SWIM HER TO SAFETY. At that point, I wanted her to drown (either one).
Gerard wasn't in this movie a whole lot, but it was painful when he was. It's not his fault. He had some of the worst lines. <> There were really that many exclamation points, I promise. He had no ability to not sound like a douche. I am mad at him for taking this movie, not his acting.
In the end, Gerard and Jodi fall in love and Nim has a new mom. This couldn't have happened, because Gerard would never fall in love with an over the hill, over rated lesbian who would allow a 10 year old to swim for her.
This movie was one of the worst of the year, hands down. But I did give it an extra 10 spots because of Gerard was in it. I give it a mhe.
Date: 4.6.08
Cost: $4.50
Running Time: 95 minutes
Companions: Danny Devito
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 88
A long year that contained the horrible movie Nim's Island. I should have loved this movie. We know it has Gerry, but it's also a kid's film, which I enjoy more than any other 23 year old semi-drunk with a foul mouth.
Nothing could save this movie, not even Gerard.
Gerard is some scientist that lives on some random island in the Pacific with his daughter. He's looking for some protozoa that's special, but I probably got a D in Bio, so I neither know nor care. The live on this island that resembles the CDW island guy commercials with a bunch of hilarious human like animals, all of Nim's friends. She reads, cause time warner has got coverage in their area yet. And she loves Alex Rover, some jack of all trades hero that is like a cooler and douchier Indiana Jones (cooler cause Gerard plays the character, douchier cause the character is written far more goofy (I don't know how that's possible but it is) and stupid (ditto).
So when her dad crashes while finding the protozoa, Abigail Breslin emails the real Alex Rover, a agoraphobic Jodi Foster. After a series of terrible adventures, Jodi makes it to the island, but Nim has pretty much taken care of all the drama. EXCEPT the point where Jodi is randomly drowning, and basically dramatically holds her hand out for Nim, and then lets the 10 YEAR OLD GIRL SWIM HER TO SAFETY. At that point, I wanted her to drown (either one).
Gerard wasn't in this movie a whole lot, but it was painful when he was. It's not his fault. He had some of the worst lines. <
In the end, Gerard and Jodi fall in love and Nim has a new mom. This couldn't have happened, because Gerard would never fall in love with an over the hill, over rated lesbian who would allow a 10 year old to swim for her.
This movie was one of the worst of the year, hands down. But I did give it an extra 10 spots because of Gerard was in it. I give it a mhe.
Date: 4.6.08
Cost: $4.50
Running Time: 95 minutes
Companions: Danny Devito
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 88
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