#4 - Untraceable & # 5 - Meet the Spartans

A double feature? Yes, and quite the odd one at that. I will bust this all chronological on y'all.

7:20 PM: Untraceable

The first question that came to mind when this movie started was: What was Sandra Bullock doing when they filmed this?

Nevertheless, Diane Lane will suffice.

This movie, it comes across as new age, and intelligent. It's a techy thriller that is supposed to get at the soul of the YouTube generation. It however, falls terribly short.

Diane plays a FBI Cyber Cop, catching online crooks, and e-Chris Hansoning people with the help of her boy sidekick, Colin Hanks (which has somehow managed to convince the world he's an upcoming young star, yet is over 30). Colin is the nerdy-ish guy who spends the whole time using dating websites to try to get e-laid.

Then comes this creeper site, with a kitty stuck on fly paper. Sadly, Lulu (I swear I think that's its' name) does not make it, cause America kills it by going to the website. I say America, cause the uber-nerd powned the rest of the world out of viewing the website cause we're the real killer's here (he's a Leet Haxor!!!). This upsets Diane, but not the guys at the place, cause she's well on her way to being a creepy cat lady being a widow and all. Then, a dude pops up on the site. Now we have the worlds attention.

Obviously, as the plot requires, he dies, cause America tuned in, as we do. Then another guy pops up. But, with this one, we get to see the killer. Shenanigans Flag. Hey, producers of Untraceable, do not try to market your movie as an puzzling, intelligent movie when you are going to steal all my fun. Right then, I lost all my fun. No figuring out some criminal mastermind's plot, it's just some creeper kid. (After reviewing the play, Shenanigans are on the play, it is upheld)

From there, the film leads you along like a chimpanzee with a low IQ by the hand, stealing all the mystery and suspense for cheap thrills. Yay, this creeper is smart and pretty much a less gruesome and more basic Jigsaw! At least the Saw movie's attempt to trick you. This just goes bit by predictable bit until the end where all is good with the world.

The gem of this movie was Colin. I have never really been a fan. I've always felt like he came from Tom awkwarding on some woman's leg, and BAM! Colin happened. But in this movie, he is amiable. Plus, revealing something I called from the beginning: Colin falls victim to the 100 Piece Puzzle. It was an impressive death scene, involving water, acid and blinking. But you know what, I challenge Tom to fall victim in a vat of battery acid at the hands of someone who's pissed he missed the Junior Prom. Colin was masterful in that sense, and I feel this will be the springboard for his short, promising career.

The attempted moral of this story is that we Americans are losing our morality and our connection to humanity by our reliance on technology. It is what spurred the movie, and it is what allowed the victim's to die. We are supposed to feel bad that fake uses, like the skater under the bridge on his Sidekick logging on watching fellow humans die. If this is true, it is only slight. Remember, a couple hundred years ago a bunch of girls in Massachusetts got a bunch of people hung for being witches, much to the entertainment of the masses. I think we're fine.

This movie will keep your attention, but don't expect much in the form of intelligence. It's dumbed down for the masses it's criticizing, but that only keeps it from rising from an OK movie to a good one. It is watchable. I give it a 1337 M3#.

Date: 1.25.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 101 minutes
Companions: Steve Carell
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 61


10:00 PM: Meet the Spartans

I don't know what I was expecting. I really don't. I walked in with the honest belief I would enjoy myself. Silly me.

This movie was pretty god awful. I liked Scary Movie, but the rest have been a downward spiral (Scary Movie 2 was an abomination against God though). So all I can really do for this movie is talk about the few things I liked in it. Cause if I wanted to tell you what was wrong with it, you would be reading the script with a whole hell of a lot of red highlighting.

First off, the Pit of Death thing. You would expect from the trailer that it's just a joke that gets abused and over used. Wrong. It is used a good chunk, but in my opinion, not enough. I really could have sat there for the hour + and watched various people get kicked in. I think I would have enjoyed it more. I feel, the joke needed at least 5 more minutes of screen time.

It was good to see some old chums. The moment I saw Kevin Sorbo in that trailer, I knew I wanted to see this. I was a Hercules fan growing up, and I have missed him. He was made for this role. PLUS! In one of their most clever jokes, he gets to scream "I'm gonna go Hercules on your ass!" Pimp. Yay reference to my younger days. Also, we get to see Diedrich Bader (Oswald from Drew Carey Show) back again. I have missed him as well. He's been working, but no one's seen or cared.

The true bright spot of this movie is Leonidas (I could say the same for the movie it is spoofing). I have to say I enjoyed Sean Maguire's performance, even though he just had to play a dip shit. He intrigues me, and I await his future career (I would also like to hear his music, as he is a bona fide Bo Jackson double threat).

Lastly, and probably the most pitiful part, was the finale. At the very end of the movie, the cast sang "I Will Survive" American Idol style. That truly was the best part of the movie in my eyes. Take that how you will.

My problem with this movie, and what has become of this spoof franchise is that there are no longer about the movies. There are far too many pop culture references in these movies. I do not care about Britney Spear's crazy ass, and I especially don't care about 4 or 5 references in a movie. They need to cut out the stuff that no one will remember out and stick with just spoofing movies.

This movie is the Walmart $5 dollar movie bin of movies, and to be honest, when I find this in there in 10 months, I will not buy it. MAYBE if it's on the $1 movie rack with the god awful Kung Fu movies. Honestly, I think if you stuck me in a room with 5 buddies, 5 cases of High Life and 5 hours with the VH1 channel we could write this movie. I give this movie a big ole meewhhhaatt (That is me saying meh while throwing up).

Date: 1.25.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 84 minutes
Companions: Steve Carell
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 96