#6 - Rambo

This is really my first experience in the Rambo series. Never saw the originals, so I don't have that deep connection with the movie than many do, like the nerds that sat behind me.

It really reminds me of Rocky Balboa, the newest Rocky movie. It was like Sylvester decided to take all the movies that made him famous, rehash them, and wreck their good name. Balboa was one giant monologue, and was more unbelievable than Shoot 'Em Up (great movie) with a 60 year old boxer going toe to toe with a 28 year old bad ass. Not happening. Now we get John Rambo (original title), and guess what this movie is about: a 60 year old Nam vet going toe to toe with the 28th battalion of Burmese Rebels (I wish it were that convenient).

Rambo is some old guy chilling outside of the Burma lines just being a broken soul. Crazy religious people come and want to help the victims of the rebels. Don't they just cause all the problems in the world? Crazy religious people, not the rebels I mean. He helps them (cause of a girl) and then they get caught. Rambo and Mercs go to save them. Battle ensues, people die, Rambo badasses and people die. What did you expect? This isn't the Queen.

Before I saw the movie, I got to look at a statistical breakdown of the movies. Kills by Rambo, kills by bad guys, kills per minute. All that fun stuff. It said that approx 236 people die in the movie, 83 by Rambo, 113 by bad guys, 40 by mercs. It came out that 3 and change people died per minute. So I'm expecting a shitshow. But it wasn't. I don't want to rain on parades, but all in all, it was pretty boring. The are a few instances of people dying, but until the last 10 minutes, nothing too exciting happens (expect for one moment when you are left saying "WHAAA? Nay sir, that is not real. Lil over the top Sly").

But Oh Mama, those last 10 minutes. They are worth the price of admission. The moment Rambo gets a hold of that 50 Cal, shit goes down. Most of the kills happen right then. Bullets fly, and people EXPLODE. Limbs, organs, heads; everything goes boom. Any male will enjoy.

I recently had a conversation where I talked about how generally I do not care about acting in a movie. It's an essential part, but I rarely care what distinguishes a AMAZING acting performance from a REALLY GOOD acting performance and all. Sylvester gives however, a TERRIBLE performance, which should leave no jaws dropped. He needs to stop. He got too many punches to the head filming the Rockys. He can't speak, it's mumbled gibberish. And his new HGH built physique? He looks like he's getting ready to film a Frankenstein movie. "I AM NOT A MONSTERRRRRR!!!!"

I have figured out the inspiration of the movie. I think when trying to come up with a plot for Rambo IV, Sly read the Hunchback of Notre Dame (Strike that, saw the Disney movie). It is about a gross monster (Sly) who's soul is touched by a lady and he vows to protect her, but in the end she hooks up with another dude, because after all, he is a monster. Stallone was like, "Let's do that, but have the monster kill a ton of people in badass ways." Script done. Clever girl, but I saw you through.

I give this movie a: meh + ---===HGH==I---] = MEH!!!

Date: 1.26.08
Cost: $0
Running Time: 93 minutes
Companions: Marlon Brando
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 40