So we've done the double feature thing. Twice. I have always been a person who participates in constant one upping. So, naturally I will go the way of the razors. Two was good, but three is much better. Movies Mach 3.
Ever since I saw the Be Kind, Rewind trailer, I knew I needed to see it. A few of my compatriots felt the same way. Over the past few months, we have watched the trailer over a hundred times, and reference it constantly. When we came to the sad truth that Bangor is going to be indeed lame, and we needed to venture to Portland to see it, we knew what we had to do: plan a day of movies anchored by Be Kind, Rewind.
So we did it. We planned out the perfect day, making it so we could maximize our viewing pleasure. We decided to see the big new release for the week, Vantage Point, and then I convinced the guys to see a movie whose trailer I fell in love with, In Bruges. The stage was set...
2:40 - Be Kind, Rewind
So our first movie was the one we anchored the weekend around. This was in a new theater in SoPo, and god what an experience. This place was what a theater should be. It had a bar/restaurant, a creeper piano that played itself and you selected your seats when you bought your tickets. But then in the theaters, you got to sit on God's thrown. They had leather executive chairs that were huge, and instead of just the back reclining, the whole seat did. AMAZING.
So the movie. It's almost a buddy buddy movie. Mos Def plays a naive VHS rental place clerk. Jack Black plays his best friend, who is a retarded junk yard owner who loiters in the store. Danny Glover plays the old crazy guy who owns the store.
The other major character in this is Fats Waller, something like that. He is some old, fat jazz player from the area. He supposedly was born in the video store, and Danny Glover has spoon feed Mos stories about him for years. All the main characters have a mild obsession with this guy.
I said Jack Black was retarded, and he was. He was one of those crazy, paranoid, the government is trying to eat our brains kinda guys. He wants to destroy the power plant near buy. Retardedly, he throws a giant piece of metal into the transformer. Naturally, he elected the shit electrocuted out of him, which for some reason magnetized him.
So the next day he goes into the store, and his magnetic brain erases all of the tapes. There is now a VHS store with blanks tapes, and the three customers demand they outdated movie mediums. To make up for that, they decide to film their own version of the movies they rent. They start out with Ghostbusters, which is hilarious, and pretty much what they show in the trailer. The move on to other movies, like Robocop, Rush Hour 2 and others. The few customers, who can also be described as naive, love these movies, and business grows. They do more and more movies (in movie making montages), and make more and more money, which they need to renovate the building to meet code (something I neglected to mention earlier, plot discontinuity in my review).
But then the Government gets pissed off, and shuts them down, destroying all the tapes. Oh whoa is them. All is lost. So they decide to make a real movie, a biopic (more Ray, less Walk the Line) about the Fat guy. They enlist the whole area to help play the different parts. Everyone have fun with it, bringing together the old and young, the different races, the straight laced and the degenerates. In the end, everyone loves the movie.
So far, I have used the word naive many times. That is what this movie really is. Every character is extremely naive, nice, but all in all pretty stupid. In essence, that is the overall tone of the movie. but you have to like it. The best way to put this, and I mean this in no offense, this movie is like a mentally challenged child. They are not the most intelligent creature on the world, and they sometimes defy logic and reason, but they mean well and they warm your heart. I legitimately came out of this movie with that warm fuzzy, mom's cookie's feeling in my tummy.
Don't get me wrong, this movie is hilarious. The spoofs themselves provide for some of the greatest and funniest parts of the movies. In creating these movies, they take some of the greatest movies of all time, and make them funny, whether they are supposed to our not. The movie montage was pure gold. But also, the interactions, the small parts of the movie are also extremely funny.
This is one of the best movies of the year. Sadly, few people will get the chance to see it. This will most likely not reach very far, and not too many people will see it until the dvd comes out. When that does, rent it, buy it. Hell, borrow it from me, cause I will have it. Do whatever your can to see it. hem yzzuf, mraw, gib taerg a siht evig I.
Date: 2.23.08
Cost: $8.00
Running Time: 101 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 5
4:45 PM - Vantage Point
Same theater, different screen. This one we got to see on their flagship screen. Oh what a screen. This screen, while also bigger, was like super digital, HD-rific. It was crisp, it was sharp. It was a visual orgasm. Ehhh, ehhhhhh, BAM!
Vantage Point is trying something new. It is about a plot to kill the President of the US (William Hurt) at a peace rally. He goes, and he speaks and then he gets shot. A few minutes later, the stage blows up. Damn was that explosion cool. From there, the whole thing rewinds (they were kind) and it starts over from a different perspective.
Overall, they perform this from a few perspectives, including the news crew filming it, a veteran body guard (Dennis Quaid), the President, some random Spanish police officer, a American tourist (Forest Whitaker) and the terrorists. With each new perspective, we gain a little more knowledge to what the hell is going on. We learn things like Dennis already took a bullet for the President once, and now is jittery on the job. Things like the President is a body double, cause they knew he was gonna get owned (Which makes me believe we actually do it. Saddam did it, its a good choice. I want a body double damn it.). Things like a girl spilled ice cream on Forest.
I will admit the rewind trick got old sometimes. There were a few interactions that were replayed that lost the novelty, and became boring. I feel as though if they couldn't offer us something new, then I don't care. This part was a place where the filmmakers could have improved. HOWEVER. HOWEVER, I am more than confident in saying I could have watched that explosion from 1,372 perspectives. Loved it, every time. Maybe it was the uber screen. But it was just so cool, it made it all worth it.
About half way through the movie, we end the rewind shenanigans and just become a regular old action movie. I don't know what I feel about this. It was refreshing watching it, as it was much more fast paced, and we learned a lot quickly. It was action packed and entertaining. However, I feel that if the schtick of this movie was to be in the perspectives, then it betrayed its' original purpose and the fans who saw it for it. The writer's should have been able to do it all the way through, and done it so it wasn't just a complete repetition of the same things. They should have been better (or they should have hired me).
The best part about this movie was the climax (that's what she said). At the end, after all of the plot shenanigans, you hit that point where it wraps up. I will give many kudos to the writers, director and everyone for doing this in the coolest way possible. They do this really pimp slow mo, fast sweep, transitioning from person to person (essentially main perspective to perspective) to see where they are all at in the end. It was fucking epic. They all managed, as the often conveniently do, came to a similar place in the globe for the show down. You see who is doing what (including some lying on the ground dead). Bravo.
This movie was fun, I can say that. I enjoyed the concept, but it deviated too far to be true to it. It was boring at times, but revived itself at others. It had some cool effects, and some decent twists. But overall, I just enjoyed it and had fun. So I can't cut the movie down too far. I give this movie a meh. (WHA?!?!??? Just a meh, nothing catchy, witty you say. Well sadly, I am forced to give you a meh in 2D. I would like to give you the meh in multiple ways, like looking down on it and seeing a pair of boobs next to an arch next to a house with a chimney (my imagination) but I can't. So imagine it.)
Date: 2.23.08
Cost: $8.00
Running Time: 90 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 33
7:00 PM - In Bruges
Very easily, this movie is the greatest movie you've never heard of. Simply put. How many of you, aside from the numerous people I assaulted to see one specific (and later highlighted) point in the trailer have heard of it? Few of you.
So not many of you would know this Indie movie starring Colin Farrell, Brenden Gleeson, and Ralph (pronounced Raif) Fiennes. But you should, cause it's HILARIOUS! Hilarious with a twist...
Colin revives his career as a young hit man getting into the game. On his first hit, shit goes down (jaw dropping). His boss Ralph sends him and Brenden (partner) to Bruges, Belgium for some downtime. Bruges is a touristy, medieval city. Brenden loves it, Colin hates it. That is because Colin is a hilariously cynical person. He hates Bruges, and likens it to Hell.
Well, Brenden is supposed to kill Colin for botching the job, which he fails to do (that is not a big spoiler). So Ralph comes to finish the job. It ends in a gory, triumphant spectacle. I will not ruin the awesomeness (or gorishness for some).
As I said, this movie is hilarious. Now having heard the synopsis, you would call me a liar. But it's true. It is punch after punch of hilarious jabs. Everything that comes out of Colin's mouth is pure gold. On top of that, it has some of the funniest dialogue and situations possible. One of the biggest on going jokes is about the midget that they find. He is a movie star shooting a movie in Bruges, chock full of shenanigans, including a theory on a all out racial war including midgets, and prosititutes. And hands down the funniest part is where a coked up Colin karate chops the coked up midget in the neck (hilarious part from the trailer). I wanted to emulate the midget and roll on the floor.
And the end. It's dark, but I found it hilarious (where my compatriots did not). It is gory, and extremely dark. But there's irony, and hilarity if you look for it. I am a big fan of irony, and have a slightly twisted sense of humor, so it lent itself well to me.
The existence of this movie proves the existence of other amazing indies, that my uncultured region has kept from me. It is now my duty to culturize it. I guess I now have to open a movie theater at some point. We'll see. I give this a movie a meagh (that would be a Belgian meh, if they had one.)
Date: 2.23.08
Cost: $8.00
Running Time: 107 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 4
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
# 10 - Spiderwick Chronicles
Do you remember Haley Joel Osment? He lit up the screen in The Sixth Sense (which I had ruined for me and despise the movie to this day), and enchanted America. He went on to have a fairly decent child movie star career before that dreaded time... Yes, Puberty.
It's the thing with child stars, especially boys. We love them as kids, and enjoy watching them until it comes to that awkward stage where shit goes awry. Their voices crack and end up all over the map, they get all lanky. And we turn their back on them. They may emerge later, but as far as I know, child stars aren't batting too high.
Introduce Freddy Highmore, the Haley Joel Osment for the new Millenium. He enchanted us as Peter (who Peter Pan was based on) in Finding Neverland and then teamed up with Johnny Depp (not bad coattails to ride) in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He has kept the steam going, and I will admit is currently in the brunt of the pubescent onslaught being 16, but well see his staying power.
In this, he conquers another childhood tale. The Spiderwick Chronicles is about a family who move into a creepy old house given to them by their crazy Great Aunt. We have a Mom, who is fairly emo at the time, and seems to have just finished a divorce, so she's not in a good place right now. We have a daughter who I don't remember her name, so we will refer to her as BOS (Bitchy Older Sister). Then we have Freddy doing the Lindsay Lohan double threat, playing twin brothers Jared (the main character) and the other one who I don't remember his name either, so we will refer to him as Nerdmotron 5000, as it is most fitting (I did look up his name, and it is Simon, but I prefer my title for him. This aside to to point out how Simon is once again a nerdy character in a movie, much like the Chipmunk. Parents, be warned, you damn your son to a world of, well Warcraft, National Geographic and pocket protectors if you name him Simon).
So the family run down. BOS is a bitch, cause she's the older sister. Nerdmotron 5000 is a nerd, and apparently a passivist, as he loves to point out (pussy). Jared is the troubled child. He has the dark, emo hair, and loves drowning out the rest of the family with his iPod. He is emo cause he's more into being with his dad than his mom, and blames her for the divorce (which is never disproven), and is counting his time til his dad takes him to live with him. So naturally, he is the outcast, and fights with his mom, and thus is the family "Boy who cried Wolf." He has daddy issues, a big theme in this movie we will discuss later.
Through a series of CRAZY events, Jared finds a book by her equally insane great, great Uncle. This book contains secrets to all the magical creatures that live in the world. He reads it in a footlocker (if you ever lose a emo person, look in one of them). In having this book, he pisses off the rat like thing that is supposed to protect the book, named Wristwatch, or tiddlywink, something fruity like that. This little creature (voiced my Martin Short) is a rat man, but if you piss him off, he legitimately hulks up, turning larger (still small) and green. But, unlike the real, awesome Hulk, he doesn't tiddlywink smash everything. He yells at you sternly when hulked up until you give him Honey. Then he calms down back to regular. So obviously, tiddlywink has a substance abuse problem, another common theme in the movie.
There is this evil troll?, elf?.....giant monster with trees on him, Mulgrath, who wants to get the book, to learn all the secrets of the creature to kill them all and rule the world. If he gets the book (nuclear bomb), Mulgrath (Hitler) will be all powerful, and even the humans (Americans) won't be able to stop him. He has a legion of goblins (SS) who do his bidding, led by, sigh, a goblin dressed as a pirate (Goebbels?). I was mad at this. Why did we need a pirate goblin. Honestly. He even got stabbed in the eye at one point, and I was waiting with despised anticipation for them to bust out an eye patch. The goblins bite and scratch their victims to death, so they are apparently teenage girls.
I admit, Mulgrath was scary. This is because they got Nick Nolte to play his human form. And I'm pretty sure the make up department tried to emulate his mug shot (seen here). F'ing scary dude.
The one other character I must point out is the Pig Dude, voice by Seth Rogen. Obvious comic relief. He is a pig that throws up on people to give them sight, is a giant pussy, and is always looking for his next fix, of eating birds (reoccurring substance abuse prob). He has a pretty absurd yet amusing part in the end of the movie, that was worth his earlier antics.
So the adventure is intense. It involved the goblins, spaghetti sauce bombs, a giant troll gila monster, a crazy old lady (no one likes those), a crazy David Strathairn, flower fairies, but no spiders. In the end, we laugh, people die, get decapitated, have fingers chopped off, melted, burned to death. PG movies have grown up.
So the underlying themes. Daddy issues are rampant throughout this. The creepy old lady has them. Her dad was the author of the book, and the goblins attacked him cause he wrote it, so the flower fairies carried him away to protect him at her age of 6. Every day she waited for him to walk up the driveway, and it only took 80 years for it to happen. Jared has them, because of the divorce. He wants to be with his dad, and hates his mom for pushing him away. Little does he know his dad is not coming for him, because he has moved in with another woman. OMG!!!!! A divorced guy moved on from his bitchy wife. NO F'ING WAY!!!! That NEVER happens. All the children cry like he died or he abandoned them. But no, he just has a new woman, and will still be their dad, and love them, and see them. Ridiculous.
It got so bad Nick Nolte transformed to the dad to seduce them to give him the book. Jared, kinda sees through this (maybe the giant yellow eyes give it away). Jared, only suspecting his dad is a phony, STABS him in the chest (RED FLAG! The author of the books really needs to see someone, simulated patricide is never a good thing). It was the demon, so he didn't murder his dad, but that's still a little effed.
Spiderwick is the same thing and a new thing. It's that epic child's tale. It's Lemony Snicket. It's a watered down Narnia. It really starts out to be Jumanji. But it's different. Mainly because of the violence that is in it. It was a little over the top, and it really seemed to scare the bejeezus out of the little kids behind me.
I'm struggling to wrap this up, and have rambled a long time, so I will get to it. I give this movie a meh (it's magical).
Date: 2.18.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 97 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 35
It's the thing with child stars, especially boys. We love them as kids, and enjoy watching them until it comes to that awkward stage where shit goes awry. Their voices crack and end up all over the map, they get all lanky. And we turn their back on them. They may emerge later, but as far as I know, child stars aren't batting too high.
Introduce Freddy Highmore, the Haley Joel Osment for the new Millenium. He enchanted us as Peter (who Peter Pan was based on) in Finding Neverland and then teamed up with Johnny Depp (not bad coattails to ride) in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He has kept the steam going, and I will admit is currently in the brunt of the pubescent onslaught being 16, but well see his staying power.
In this, he conquers another childhood tale. The Spiderwick Chronicles is about a family who move into a creepy old house given to them by their crazy Great Aunt. We have a Mom, who is fairly emo at the time, and seems to have just finished a divorce, so she's not in a good place right now. We have a daughter who I don't remember her name, so we will refer to her as BOS (Bitchy Older Sister). Then we have Freddy doing the Lindsay Lohan double threat, playing twin brothers Jared (the main character) and the other one who I don't remember his name either, so we will refer to him as Nerdmotron 5000, as it is most fitting (I did look up his name, and it is Simon, but I prefer my title for him. This aside to to point out how Simon is once again a nerdy character in a movie, much like the Chipmunk. Parents, be warned, you damn your son to a world of, well Warcraft, National Geographic and pocket protectors if you name him Simon).
So the family run down. BOS is a bitch, cause she's the older sister. Nerdmotron 5000 is a nerd, and apparently a passivist, as he loves to point out (pussy). Jared is the troubled child. He has the dark, emo hair, and loves drowning out the rest of the family with his iPod. He is emo cause he's more into being with his dad than his mom, and blames her for the divorce (which is never disproven), and is counting his time til his dad takes him to live with him. So naturally, he is the outcast, and fights with his mom, and thus is the family "Boy who cried Wolf." He has daddy issues, a big theme in this movie we will discuss later.
Through a series of CRAZY events, Jared finds a book by her equally insane great, great Uncle. This book contains secrets to all the magical creatures that live in the world. He reads it in a footlocker (if you ever lose a emo person, look in one of them). In having this book, he pisses off the rat like thing that is supposed to protect the book, named Wristwatch, or tiddlywink, something fruity like that. This little creature (voiced my Martin Short) is a rat man, but if you piss him off, he legitimately hulks up, turning larger (still small) and green. But, unlike the real, awesome Hulk, he doesn't tiddlywink smash everything. He yells at you sternly when hulked up until you give him Honey. Then he calms down back to regular. So obviously, tiddlywink has a substance abuse problem, another common theme in the movie.
There is this evil troll?, elf?.....giant monster with trees on him, Mulgrath, who wants to get the book, to learn all the secrets of the creature to kill them all and rule the world. If he gets the book (nuclear bomb), Mulgrath (Hitler) will be all powerful, and even the humans (Americans) won't be able to stop him. He has a legion of goblins (SS) who do his bidding, led by, sigh, a goblin dressed as a pirate (Goebbels?). I was mad at this. Why did we need a pirate goblin. Honestly. He even got stabbed in the eye at one point, and I was waiting with despised anticipation for them to bust out an eye patch. The goblins bite and scratch their victims to death, so they are apparently teenage girls.
I admit, Mulgrath was scary. This is because they got Nick Nolte to play his human form. And I'm pretty sure the make up department tried to emulate his mug shot (seen here). F'ing scary dude.
The one other character I must point out is the Pig Dude, voice by Seth Rogen. Obvious comic relief. He is a pig that throws up on people to give them sight, is a giant pussy, and is always looking for his next fix, of eating birds (reoccurring substance abuse prob). He has a pretty absurd yet amusing part in the end of the movie, that was worth his earlier antics.
So the adventure is intense. It involved the goblins, spaghetti sauce bombs, a giant troll gila monster, a crazy old lady (no one likes those), a crazy David Strathairn, flower fairies, but no spiders. In the end, we laugh, people die, get decapitated, have fingers chopped off, melted, burned to death. PG movies have grown up.
So the underlying themes. Daddy issues are rampant throughout this. The creepy old lady has them. Her dad was the author of the book, and the goblins attacked him cause he wrote it, so the flower fairies carried him away to protect him at her age of 6. Every day she waited for him to walk up the driveway, and it only took 80 years for it to happen. Jared has them, because of the divorce. He wants to be with his dad, and hates his mom for pushing him away. Little does he know his dad is not coming for him, because he has moved in with another woman. OMG!!!!! A divorced guy moved on from his bitchy wife. NO F'ING WAY!!!! That NEVER happens. All the children cry like he died or he abandoned them. But no, he just has a new woman, and will still be their dad, and love them, and see them. Ridiculous.
It got so bad Nick Nolte transformed to the dad to seduce them to give him the book. Jared, kinda sees through this (maybe the giant yellow eyes give it away). Jared, only suspecting his dad is a phony, STABS him in the chest (RED FLAG! The author of the books really needs to see someone, simulated patricide is never a good thing). It was the demon, so he didn't murder his dad, but that's still a little effed.
Spiderwick is the same thing and a new thing. It's that epic child's tale. It's Lemony Snicket. It's a watered down Narnia. It really starts out to be Jumanji. But it's different. Mainly because of the violence that is in it. It was a little over the top, and it really seemed to scare the bejeezus out of the little kids behind me.
I'm struggling to wrap this up, and have rambled a long time, so I will get to it. I give this movie a meh (it's magical).
Date: 2.18.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 97 minutes
Companions: André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 35
Sunday, February 17, 2008
#8 Jumper & #9 Definitely, Maybe
Yes, yes. Another double feature. Get used to it, I foresee many in the future.
5:15 PM - Jumper
I have to first admit that I do look at reviews and ratings of movies before I see them. They really play no deciding factor in if I see it or not, mainly because I love some of the worst rated movies ever, and despise others, so its hard to tell. So far the critics have crucified Jumper... and it just shows how retarded they are. I got two messages from all their negative reviews: that Jumper jumps around (REALLY? Wouldn't have guessed) and that the special effects sucked.
No.
I can see where many of today's critics who are all caught up on boring ass, snobbish, nothing that happens in the plot so it doesn't need to try to be coherent plots thought it was a little choppy, but really no. There are parts to the films like chapters to a book, sometimes a following chapter isn't exactly the same mood, tone or speed of the previous, and there are times where movies need to change pace quickly. Deal with it. And the special effects were pretty freaking sweet. They weren't mind blowing, but they looked real enough so I was cool with them. And now we all know why critics cept me are retarded. Yay!
Jumper is pretty much Nightcrawler (from X-Men for any of you who don't know who he is, and if you don't, I don't like you as a person) the Movie. Hayden Christiansen is a kid who falls into water and then "jumps" to a library (that consistently gets the shit kicked out of it). From there, he decides to leave his shitty father and the girl he has a crush on and go to NY to rob banks and live the high life, sadly without high lifes. He does that, and becomes rich, has a sweet pad, and then uses post cards to jump all over the world. But then Samuel L. Jackson, who i think works for AT&T, gets pissed cause he's a crazy religious person and tries to kill him. In running from Sam, he meets back up with that girl (who is the SMOKING Rachel Bilson) and some other Jumper with an accent. Shenanigans happen, Colosseums get desecrated, people jump, and you know what...
We enjoy. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It was fast paced, and seemingly geared towards someone with slight ADD, but BAM I'm your target movie goer. The action was cool, as were the effects, the acting happened - nothing special, nothing terrible.
I did enjoy the casting of young Hayden. I swear to Christ its his actual little brother. Besides looking alike, they have the really awkward thing down, and doing it in the same way. They may have shot the first chunk 10 years ago, and finished up now so he could do both...Why hasn't anyone done that yet?
BAMF!
So, an observation from the movie. I think when they jump, along with creating some crack in the world, they leave this white powder. I think besides robbing banks, Hayden would just BAMF all over his place with trash bags on the ground to collect it, and then sold the space-time continuum cocaine. I bet that shit get you SOOOO high.
BAMF!
I just thought throughout this whole movie, oh if I could Jump. I too would go all over the world, and there is a solid chance I would rob a bank. I booze in Ireland, New Orleans. I would finally go to Disneyland. But it all came to one thought: I would be a monster. I would be so fat it wouldn't be funny. Like 800 pounds. Like, I would create craters in the world, not rips. Hayden did it, he BAMFed from the couch to the fridge, to the other end of the couch. I would too. Some days I would sight see, other days I'd be lazy and BAMF from bed to the couch, then to the fridge, back to the couch, to the bathroom to piss and back, then back to bed. I would expend
0 calories. It would be awesome and pitiful at the same time. Maybe BAMFing burns calories...
BAMF!
So I hope you have got by now that rather then coherently putting the last few thoughts and jokes into my post, I BAMFed all over the place to just slap them in. But you know what, you enjoyed it and found it entertaining. You forgave my slight lack of transition in lieu of a BAMF, and you will in the movie too. I give this movie a m_________________________eh!
Date: 2.16.08
Cost: $4.50
Running Time: 88 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 15
9:50 Definitely, Maybe
WARNING: I apologize, but I will be unable to review this movie with ruining all the secretive stuff, because it really got me going and need to talk about it. So if you read this, expect to have it ruined by me, and I'm not gonna be at fault.
This was a Rom Com made for me, with all the right ingredients. It has Ryan Reynolds, who I have enjoyed since Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. It has three very attractive ladies who I have all enjoyed thoroughly in other works. AND IT'S A MYSTERY.
Ryan is a dad to Abigail Breslin. She really has her niche down, act cute, push the limits only far enough to be funny and cute, and cry. She's good at it, I won't knock it. He is divorcing her mom, or vice versa, so Abigail wants to know who how he met her. This is all inspired by a sex ed class at the school that was a good spring board for sperm and penis jokes by 10 year olds. He agrees to tell her the story of his three real girlfriends, and won't tell which is which. Let the fun begin.
Meet Emily (Kim from Scrubs). Ryan's college sweet heart, she sadly gets left behind in Wisconsin while he goes to NY to work on Clinton's campaign. But they talk and love each other and plan to get married. Ryan really goes around stressing how much he cares for her. So she decides to come visit, he grabs a pimp diamond ring and plans to propose. So as he's trying to propose to her in a pretty awesome way, she freaks out and tells him to stop. Apparently she slept with his loser roommate while he was gone.
Right then, you could cross her off my list. Nope, never marrying her. Admittedly, Ryan had kissed 2 girls (the other two, but in his defense one was because she caught him off guard, and the other is cause Isla Fisher is slamming), but she banged the loser roommate. Bye Bitch, good to know you. Go back to whore land.
So enter Summer (Rachel Weisz). She is a writer, wrote an awesome book early on (aka her diary) where she talked about hooking up with Emily (Nice!). She is the one that caught Ryan off guard with the kiss. She was already shacked up with an Old Ass Kevin Kline, who is her thesis adviser. Later he dumps her for a younger girl (2 freshman girls = 1 sophomore). So Ryan and her hook up. Ryan is now a big man and owns a consulting firm with Booby Miles (guess the movie reference), so she writes a nice story on him. Ryan falls in love again, buys the rings but then she writes a follow up article that is anti, so they break up.
Now to April (Isla Fisher). She's been there the whole time. She was the copy girl at the campaign headquarters, and they became BFFs. She went traveling while he was shacking up with Summer, but then she comes home, for him. She becomes obviously cranky faced when he's about to marry someone else. But the big problem was he never picked up on the fact that she came home for him, but the daughter and I both did. Trust me, I whiff on signals like it's my job, but I caught that one. Shame on you Ryan. So Ryan falls in love with her, but sadly it was during his drunken, emo phrase (Fall 2006 for me, 1997 for Ryan). She says nay to his offer, and hooks up with Kevin (some random douche).
Ryan is lost, and so is the daughter. They gave us all reasons why each should be the mom, some stronger than others. So we get back to the story the next day when Ryan is going to trade his daughter back to the Mom. He puts a few details up, and it starts falling into place and then we and Abigail come to the same conclusion at that time......... IT WAS THE FUCKING WHORE!
Ok, so that was my reaction, not Abigail. She was all happy that her mom was Emily, completely forgetting at the age of 10 that her mom cheated on her dad and broke his heart. I am actually in a Parenting class this semester, and one thing I may have read in the textbook is don't tell your 10 year old daughter her Mom is a cheating whore cause it generally ruins their world. My guess: he put a Forget-Me-Now in her cereal.
So sadly it was the whore. The one I said no to, cause she's, well, a whore. He was reeling, and she was his shelter. A weak moment for him that spawned Abigail Breslin and divorce. At this point, we learn that there will not be a happy ending, this movie is realistic, and the rents don't get back together. So why is there 30 minutes left?
Apparently Abby wants to play match maker, and hook her sad dad up with his true love, cause apparently she easily accepted her dad was in love with the banging Isla Fisher the whole time. She does this, which really was awkward, and they are happy. It was a good ending, cause everyone in the theater wants him to end up with her the whole time, but the daughter's part in it was just way too awk.
It was a really funny movie. A lot of good, fun acting from everyone. I did start to get sick of the "Oh Hey, remember the 90s?" jokes. Like "Who is Nirvana?" "A cell phone (the size of a small child), this is neat!" etc, etc, etc. Plus all the political Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr tv stuff they threw in, which was quite neat (I did learn from this movie that some homely chick came out during Clinton's run as his former mistress, good to know). They made up for it with 3, count em 3 suicide jokes. Now I will disclaimer that suicide is a touchy subject, but I enjoyed how the were put in light heartedly.
Now we are going to do something. I have given this movie a meh. You need to choose which one it is. I'm not gonna tell you which it is, and I'm gonna change them so you don't know which. Do I give this movie a meh, a meh, or a meh?
Figure it out...
Date: 2.16.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 122 minutes
Companions: Page O'Hara
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 18
5:15 PM - Jumper
I have to first admit that I do look at reviews and ratings of movies before I see them. They really play no deciding factor in if I see it or not, mainly because I love some of the worst rated movies ever, and despise others, so its hard to tell. So far the critics have crucified Jumper... and it just shows how retarded they are. I got two messages from all their negative reviews: that Jumper jumps around (REALLY? Wouldn't have guessed) and that the special effects sucked.
No.
I can see where many of today's critics who are all caught up on boring ass, snobbish, nothing that happens in the plot so it doesn't need to try to be coherent plots thought it was a little choppy, but really no. There are parts to the films like chapters to a book, sometimes a following chapter isn't exactly the same mood, tone or speed of the previous, and there are times where movies need to change pace quickly. Deal with it. And the special effects were pretty freaking sweet. They weren't mind blowing, but they looked real enough so I was cool with them. And now we all know why critics cept me are retarded. Yay!
Jumper is pretty much Nightcrawler (from X-Men for any of you who don't know who he is, and if you don't, I don't like you as a person) the Movie. Hayden Christiansen is a kid who falls into water and then "jumps" to a library (that consistently gets the shit kicked out of it). From there, he decides to leave his shitty father and the girl he has a crush on and go to NY to rob banks and live the high life, sadly without high lifes. He does that, and becomes rich, has a sweet pad, and then uses post cards to jump all over the world. But then Samuel L. Jackson, who i think works for AT&T, gets pissed cause he's a crazy religious person and tries to kill him. In running from Sam, he meets back up with that girl (who is the SMOKING Rachel Bilson) and some other Jumper with an accent. Shenanigans happen, Colosseums get desecrated, people jump, and you know what...
We enjoy. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It was fast paced, and seemingly geared towards someone with slight ADD, but BAM I'm your target movie goer. The action was cool, as were the effects, the acting happened - nothing special, nothing terrible.
I did enjoy the casting of young Hayden. I swear to Christ its his actual little brother. Besides looking alike, they have the really awkward thing down, and doing it in the same way. They may have shot the first chunk 10 years ago, and finished up now so he could do both...Why hasn't anyone done that yet?
BAMF!
So, an observation from the movie. I think when they jump, along with creating some crack in the world, they leave this white powder. I think besides robbing banks, Hayden would just BAMF all over his place with trash bags on the ground to collect it, and then sold the space-time continuum cocaine. I bet that shit get you SOOOO high.
BAMF!
I just thought throughout this whole movie, oh if I could Jump. I too would go all over the world, and there is a solid chance I would rob a bank. I booze in Ireland, New Orleans. I would finally go to Disneyland. But it all came to one thought: I would be a monster. I would be so fat it wouldn't be funny. Like 800 pounds. Like, I would create craters in the world, not rips. Hayden did it, he BAMFed from the couch to the fridge, to the other end of the couch. I would too. Some days I would sight see, other days I'd be lazy and BAMF from bed to the couch, then to the fridge, back to the couch, to the bathroom to piss and back, then back to bed. I would expend
0 calories. It would be awesome and pitiful at the same time. Maybe BAMFing burns calories...
BAMF!
So I hope you have got by now that rather then coherently putting the last few thoughts and jokes into my post, I BAMFed all over the place to just slap them in. But you know what, you enjoyed it and found it entertaining. You forgave my slight lack of transition in lieu of a BAMF, and you will in the movie too. I give this movie a m_________________________eh!
Date: 2.16.08
Cost: $4.50
Running Time: 88 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 15
9:50 Definitely, Maybe
WARNING: I apologize, but I will be unable to review this movie with ruining all the secretive stuff, because it really got me going and need to talk about it. So if you read this, expect to have it ruined by me, and I'm not gonna be at fault.
This was a Rom Com made for me, with all the right ingredients. It has Ryan Reynolds, who I have enjoyed since Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. It has three very attractive ladies who I have all enjoyed thoroughly in other works. AND IT'S A MYSTERY.
Ryan is a dad to Abigail Breslin. She really has her niche down, act cute, push the limits only far enough to be funny and cute, and cry. She's good at it, I won't knock it. He is divorcing her mom, or vice versa, so Abigail wants to know who how he met her. This is all inspired by a sex ed class at the school that was a good spring board for sperm and penis jokes by 10 year olds. He agrees to tell her the story of his three real girlfriends, and won't tell which is which. Let the fun begin.
Meet Emily (Kim from Scrubs). Ryan's college sweet heart, she sadly gets left behind in Wisconsin while he goes to NY to work on Clinton's campaign. But they talk and love each other and plan to get married. Ryan really goes around stressing how much he cares for her. So she decides to come visit, he grabs a pimp diamond ring and plans to propose. So as he's trying to propose to her in a pretty awesome way, she freaks out and tells him to stop. Apparently she slept with his loser roommate while he was gone.
Right then, you could cross her off my list. Nope, never marrying her. Admittedly, Ryan had kissed 2 girls (the other two, but in his defense one was because she caught him off guard, and the other is cause Isla Fisher is slamming), but she banged the loser roommate. Bye Bitch, good to know you. Go back to whore land.
So enter Summer (Rachel Weisz). She is a writer, wrote an awesome book early on (aka her diary) where she talked about hooking up with Emily (Nice!). She is the one that caught Ryan off guard with the kiss. She was already shacked up with an Old Ass Kevin Kline, who is her thesis adviser. Later he dumps her for a younger girl (2 freshman girls = 1 sophomore). So Ryan and her hook up. Ryan is now a big man and owns a consulting firm with Booby Miles (guess the movie reference), so she writes a nice story on him. Ryan falls in love again, buys the rings but then she writes a follow up article that is anti, so they break up.
Now to April (Isla Fisher). She's been there the whole time. She was the copy girl at the campaign headquarters, and they became BFFs. She went traveling while he was shacking up with Summer, but then she comes home, for him. She becomes obviously cranky faced when he's about to marry someone else. But the big problem was he never picked up on the fact that she came home for him, but the daughter and I both did. Trust me, I whiff on signals like it's my job, but I caught that one. Shame on you Ryan. So Ryan falls in love with her, but sadly it was during his drunken, emo phrase (Fall 2006 for me, 1997 for Ryan). She says nay to his offer, and hooks up with Kevin (some random douche).
Ryan is lost, and so is the daughter. They gave us all reasons why each should be the mom, some stronger than others. So we get back to the story the next day when Ryan is going to trade his daughter back to the Mom. He puts a few details up, and it starts falling into place and then we and Abigail come to the same conclusion at that time......... IT WAS THE FUCKING WHORE!
Ok, so that was my reaction, not Abigail. She was all happy that her mom was Emily, completely forgetting at the age of 10 that her mom cheated on her dad and broke his heart. I am actually in a Parenting class this semester, and one thing I may have read in the textbook is don't tell your 10 year old daughter her Mom is a cheating whore cause it generally ruins their world. My guess: he put a Forget-Me-Now in her cereal.
So sadly it was the whore. The one I said no to, cause she's, well, a whore. He was reeling, and she was his shelter. A weak moment for him that spawned Abigail Breslin and divorce. At this point, we learn that there will not be a happy ending, this movie is realistic, and the rents don't get back together. So why is there 30 minutes left?
Apparently Abby wants to play match maker, and hook her sad dad up with his true love, cause apparently she easily accepted her dad was in love with the banging Isla Fisher the whole time. She does this, which really was awkward, and they are happy. It was a good ending, cause everyone in the theater wants him to end up with her the whole time, but the daughter's part in it was just way too awk.
It was a really funny movie. A lot of good, fun acting from everyone. I did start to get sick of the "Oh Hey, remember the 90s?" jokes. Like "Who is Nirvana?" "A cell phone (the size of a small child), this is neat!" etc, etc, etc. Plus all the political Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr tv stuff they threw in, which was quite neat (I did learn from this movie that some homely chick came out during Clinton's run as his former mistress, good to know). They made up for it with 3, count em 3 suicide jokes. Now I will disclaimer that suicide is a touchy subject, but I enjoyed how the were put in light heartedly.
Now we are going to do something. I have given this movie a meh. You need to choose which one it is. I'm not gonna tell you which it is, and I'm gonna change them so you don't know which. Do I give this movie a meh, a meh, or a meh?
Figure it out...
Date: 2.16.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 122 minutes
Companions: Page O'Hara
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 18
Friday, February 1, 2008
#7 - Strange Wilderness
I was really expecting to write this post much, much later in the year. But, life is full of surprises, and I must embrace it.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE 100.
This is a bold statement, and it may come back to bite me, but this is the worst movie of 2008.
Oh how terrible this movie was. We were all going into this hoping for another Grandma's Boy hidden gem, but this was not the case.
How was this movie terrible? Let me count the ways.
First off, the story, although full of potential, was god awful. It became a constant, "Oh no, they went there. It can't get worse...Sweet Jesus, it has. Really? REALLY? Was that necessary? Can't you come up with something better?"
Steve Zahn plays a stoner wildlife show host who leads a band of idiots. They're show sucks, and it's gonna get cancelled. They master this plot to find Bigfoot to save the show. So the whole retarded group set out, including Justin Long, Allen Covert (the guy that is in every Adam Sandler movie), Johan Hill, Peter Dante (the other guy that's in every Adam Sandler movie), Farva and Ashley Scott. I have enjoyed them all seperately, so you'd think they would put together a half decent movie. Nope.
Over the course of the course of this movie, you got some terrible slapstick humor, a turkey eating penis coupled with a rubbery strechy penis joke, a million and a half BAD stoner jokes (I may not smoke the reefer, but I do find movies like Grandma's Boy and Pick of Destiny funny), a multilated penis joke, and a bunch of other failed ones. Some were painful.
I will admit I laughed at some of the jokes, more than my compatriots. To be honest, now 7 hours later I have forgotten most of them. The shark part from the trailer is in the movie, and is one of the best parts. I also appreciated the Bigfoot suicide, which many did not. Overall, I only laughed at how retarded this movie was, which I did do and liked about Shoot Em Up, but this movie actually took itself seriously.
The acting was absolutely terrible......
Date: 2.1.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 86 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff, Steve Carell
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 100
Post Script: I wrote all of the above the night I saw this movie, but was terribly uninspired and decided to not finish. Just didn't have it in me. So returning to it, I have decided the perfect way to finish it. I will now emulate the script of the movie on my blog. I hope you enjoy.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, roll credits.
This movie owes me a meh, cause it robbed me of it.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE 100.
This is a bold statement, and it may come back to bite me, but this is the worst movie of 2008.
Oh how terrible this movie was. We were all going into this hoping for another Grandma's Boy hidden gem, but this was not the case.
How was this movie terrible? Let me count the ways.
First off, the story, although full of potential, was god awful. It became a constant, "Oh no, they went there. It can't get worse...Sweet Jesus, it has. Really? REALLY? Was that necessary? Can't you come up with something better?"
Steve Zahn plays a stoner wildlife show host who leads a band of idiots. They're show sucks, and it's gonna get cancelled. They master this plot to find Bigfoot to save the show. So the whole retarded group set out, including Justin Long, Allen Covert (the guy that is in every Adam Sandler movie), Johan Hill, Peter Dante (the other guy that's in every Adam Sandler movie), Farva and Ashley Scott. I have enjoyed them all seperately, so you'd think they would put together a half decent movie. Nope.
Over the course of the course of this movie, you got some terrible slapstick humor, a turkey eating penis coupled with a rubbery strechy penis joke, a million and a half BAD stoner jokes (I may not smoke the reefer, but I do find movies like Grandma's Boy and Pick of Destiny funny), a multilated penis joke, and a bunch of other failed ones. Some were painful.
I will admit I laughed at some of the jokes, more than my compatriots. To be honest, now 7 hours later I have forgotten most of them. The shark part from the trailer is in the movie, and is one of the best parts. I also appreciated the Bigfoot suicide, which many did not. Overall, I only laughed at how retarded this movie was, which I did do and liked about Shoot Em Up, but this movie actually took itself seriously.
The acting was absolutely terrible......
Date: 2.1.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 86 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff, Steve Carell
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 100
Post Script: I wrote all of the above the night I saw this movie, but was terribly uninspired and decided to not finish. Just didn't have it in me. So returning to it, I have decided the perfect way to finish it. I will now emulate the script of the movie on my blog. I hope you enjoy.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, roll credits.
This movie owes me a meh, cause it robbed me of it.
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