#8 Jumper & #9 Definitely, Maybe

Yes, yes. Another double feature. Get used to it, I foresee many in the future.

5:15 PM - Jumper

I have to first admit that I do look at reviews and ratings of movies before I see them. They really play no deciding factor in if I see it or not, mainly because I love some of the worst rated movies ever, and despise others, so its hard to tell. So far the critics have crucified Jumper... and it just shows how retarded they are. I got two messages from all their negative reviews: that Jumper jumps around (REALLY? Wouldn't have guessed) and that the special effects sucked.

No.

I can see where many of today's critics who are all caught up on boring ass, snobbish, nothing that happens in the plot so it doesn't need to try to be coherent plots thought it was a little choppy, but really no. There are parts to the films like chapters to a book, sometimes a following chapter isn't exactly the same mood, tone or speed of the previous, and there are times where movies need to change pace quickly. Deal with it. And the special effects were pretty freaking sweet. They weren't mind blowing, but they looked real enough so I was cool with them. And now we all know why critics cept me are retarded. Yay!

Jumper is pretty much Nightcrawler (from X-Men for any of you who don't know who he is, and if you don't, I don't like you as a person) the Movie. Hayden Christiansen is a kid who falls into water and then "jumps" to a library (that consistently gets the shit kicked out of it). From there, he decides to leave his shitty father and the girl he has a crush on and go to NY to rob banks and live the high life, sadly without high lifes. He does that, and becomes rich, has a sweet pad, and then uses post cards to jump all over the world. But then Samuel L. Jackson, who i think works for AT&T, gets pissed cause he's a crazy religious person and tries to kill him. In running from Sam, he meets back up with that girl (who is the SMOKING Rachel Bilson) and some other Jumper with an accent. Shenanigans happen, Colosseums get desecrated, people jump, and you know what...

We enjoy. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It was fast paced, and seemingly geared towards someone with slight ADD, but BAM I'm your target movie goer. The action was cool, as were the effects, the acting happened - nothing special, nothing terrible.

I did enjoy the casting of young Hayden. I swear to Christ its his actual little brother. Besides looking alike, they have the really awkward thing down, and doing it in the same way. They may have shot the first chunk 10 years ago, and finished up now so he could do both...Why hasn't anyone done that yet?

BAMF!

So, an observation from the movie. I think when they jump, along with creating some crack in the world, they leave this white powder. I think besides robbing banks, Hayden would just BAMF all over his place with trash bags on the ground to collect it, and then sold the space-time continuum cocaine. I bet that shit get you SOOOO high.

BAMF!

I just thought throughout this whole movie, oh if I could Jump. I too would go all over the world, and there is a solid chance I would rob a bank. I booze in Ireland, New Orleans. I would finally go to Disneyland. But it all came to one thought: I would be a monster. I would be so fat it wouldn't be funny. Like 800 pounds. Like, I would create craters in the world, not rips. Hayden did it, he BAMFed from the couch to the fridge, to the other end of the couch. I would too. Some days I would sight see, other days I'd be lazy and BAMF from bed to the couch, then to the fridge, back to the couch, to the bathroom to piss and back, then back to bed. I would expend
0 calories. It would be awesome and pitiful at the same time. Maybe BAMFing burns calories...

BAMF!

So I hope you have got by now that rather then coherently putting the last few thoughts and jokes into my post, I BAMFed all over the place to just slap them in. But you know what, you enjoyed it and found it entertaining. You forgave my slight lack of transition in lieu of a BAMF, and you will in the movie too. I give this movie a m_________________________eh!

Date: 2.16.08
Cost: $4.50
Running Time: 88 minutes
Companions: Danny DeVito, André Roussimoff
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 15


9:50 Definitely, Maybe

WARNING: I apologize, but I will be unable to review this movie with ruining all the secretive stuff, because it really got me going and need to talk about it. So if you read this, expect to have it ruined by me, and I'm not gonna be at fault.

This was a Rom Com made for me, with all the right ingredients. It has Ryan Reynolds, who I have enjoyed since Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. It has three very attractive ladies who I have all enjoyed thoroughly in other works. AND IT'S A MYSTERY.

Ryan is a dad to Abigail Breslin. She really has her niche down, act cute, push the limits only far enough to be funny and cute, and cry. She's good at it, I won't knock it. He is divorcing her mom, or vice versa, so Abigail wants to know who how he met her. This is all inspired by a sex ed class at the school that was a good spring board for sperm and penis jokes by 10 year olds. He agrees to tell her the story of his three real girlfriends, and won't tell which is which. Let the fun begin.

Meet Emily (Kim from Scrubs). Ryan's college sweet heart, she sadly gets left behind in Wisconsin while he goes to NY to work on Clinton's campaign. But they talk and love each other and plan to get married. Ryan really goes around stressing how much he cares for her. So she decides to come visit, he grabs a pimp diamond ring and plans to propose. So as he's trying to propose to her in a pretty awesome way, she freaks out and tells him to stop. Apparently she slept with his loser roommate while he was gone.

Right then, you could cross her off my list. Nope, never marrying her. Admittedly, Ryan had kissed 2 girls (the other two, but in his defense one was because she caught him off guard, and the other is cause Isla Fisher is slamming), but she banged the loser roommate. Bye Bitch, good to know you. Go back to whore land.

So enter Summer (Rachel Weisz). She is a writer, wrote an awesome book early on (aka her diary) where she talked about hooking up with Emily (Nice!). She is the one that caught Ryan off guard with the kiss. She was already shacked up with an Old Ass Kevin Kline, who is her thesis adviser. Later he dumps her for a younger girl (2 freshman girls = 1 sophomore). So Ryan and her hook up. Ryan is now a big man and owns a consulting firm with Booby Miles (guess the movie reference), so she writes a nice story on him. Ryan falls in love again, buys the rings but then she writes a follow up article that is anti, so they break up.

Now to April (Isla Fisher). She's been there the whole time. She was the copy girl at the campaign headquarters, and they became BFFs. She went traveling while he was shacking up with Summer, but then she comes home, for him. She becomes obviously cranky faced when he's about to marry someone else. But the big problem was he never picked up on the fact that she came home for him, but the daughter and I both did. Trust me, I whiff on signals like it's my job, but I caught that one. Shame on you Ryan. So Ryan falls in love with her, but sadly it was during his drunken, emo phrase (Fall 2006 for me, 1997 for Ryan). She says nay to his offer, and hooks up with Kevin (some random douche).

Ryan is lost, and so is the daughter. They gave us all reasons why each should be the mom, some stronger than others. So we get back to the story the next day when Ryan is going to trade his daughter back to the Mom. He puts a few details up, and it starts falling into place and then we and Abigail come to the same conclusion at that time......... IT WAS THE FUCKING WHORE!

Ok, so that was my reaction, not Abigail. She was all happy that her mom was Emily, completely forgetting at the age of 10 that her mom cheated on her dad and broke his heart. I am actually in a Parenting class this semester, and one thing I may have read in the textbook is don't tell your 10 year old daughter her Mom is a cheating whore cause it generally ruins their world. My guess: he put a Forget-Me-Now in her cereal.

So sadly it was the whore. The one I said no to, cause she's, well, a whore. He was reeling, and she was his shelter. A weak moment for him that spawned Abigail Breslin and divorce. At this point, we learn that there will not be a happy ending, this movie is realistic, and the rents don't get back together. So why is there 30 minutes left?

Apparently Abby wants to play match maker, and hook her sad dad up with his true love, cause apparently she easily accepted her dad was in love with the banging Isla Fisher the whole time. She does this, which really was awkward, and they are happy. It was a good ending, cause everyone in the theater wants him to end up with her the whole time, but the daughter's part in it was just way too awk.

It was a really funny movie. A lot of good, fun acting from everyone. I did start to get sick of the "Oh Hey, remember the 90s?" jokes. Like "Who is Nirvana?" "A cell phone (the size of a small child), this is neat!" etc, etc, etc. Plus all the political Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr tv stuff they threw in, which was quite neat (I did learn from this movie that some homely chick came out during Clinton's run as his former mistress, good to know). They made up for it with 3, count em 3 suicide jokes. Now I will disclaimer that suicide is a touchy subject, but I enjoyed how the were put in light heartedly.

Now we are going to do something. I have given this movie a meh. You need to choose which one it is. I'm not gonna tell you which it is, and I'm gonna change them so you don't know which. Do I give this movie a meh, a meh, or a meh?

Figure it out...

Date: 2.16.08
Cost: $8
Running Time: 122 minutes
Companions: Page O'Hara
Anticipated Spot on the 100: 18